Loving Him 365 - CHOOSE Forgiveness

Sometimes, forgiveness comes easy. When our husband forgets to pick up an item at the grocery store, he feeds the kids cookies for breakfast one morning, or he arrives home 15 minutes late from work - we can usually recognize these are generally minor issues that can easily be forgiven without much afterthought. But what if the issue is much bigger and not so easily forgotten? What if his actions are (or at least seem like they are) unforgiveable? It is in these moments that we must CHOOSE forgiveness.

Why? Well, there are a few good reasons:

1) Letting go of a grudge can reduce stress and the impact it has on the body. Forgiveness is good for the heart.

2) Forgiveness can bring healing in our lives and healing in our relationships. Forgiveness is good for the heart.

3) Forgiveness frees up room in our heart and makes space for love, joy, peace, and happiness. Forgiveness is good for the heart.

4) Most importantly, God says me must forgive if we want to be forgiven. (Matthew 6:14) Let that sink in. The forgiveness we give should be boundless. (Matthew 18:21-22)

What if I am not ready to trust him again? What if I don't want to forgive? That's okay. You can still CHOOSE forgiveness. A few weeks ago, I heard someone say, "Forgiveness is given. Trust is earned." Those words speak truth. Choosing to forgive does not not always mean choosing to trust and that's okay. Forgiveness is CHOOSING to no longer allow someone's choices to weigh you down. It's CHOOSING to say, "I love you enough to recognize you made a mistake and I don't want that mistake to make me bitter and / or hinder me from being the best version of myself. I choose to forgive you and I hope that when I make a mistake, you will choose to forgive me."

So, forgiving him doesn't mean I have to trust him? No, not exactly. Trust and communication are keys to a healthy relationship and once trust is broken, we should work towards rekindling it in our marriage. However, doing so may take some time and effort on both sides before trust can be fully restored.

CHOOSING to forgive is a CHOICE. Building trust requires the 4 (or 5 C's):

1) Consideration - We must ask ourselves why we want to restore trust in our marriage and consider what it will look like and the effort it will take to do so.

2) Change - The offending party must be willing to change and work on not repeating the mistake that was made. The offended must CHOOSE forgiveness and be willing to work on moving forward. In many situations, some change will be needed by both the husband and the wife.

3) Consistency - When making a change and working towards rebuilding trust, consistency is a must. We should mean what we say and say what we mean. There must be follow through on the words we speak, consistently. Empty words and broken promises only deepen the pit of distrust.

4) Communication - Communication... Communication... HEALTHY COMMUNICATION is key for building and maintaining trust in a marriage. We must speak the truth in love. We should communicate with our spouse regularly in an attempt to avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings. It is important that we LISTEN to our spouse with the intent to understand, not merely to respond. Remember to always fight fair.

5) Counseling - When communication in a marriage is lacking, it may be time to get a counselor involved. It's important to choose a counselor who has the ability to work with couples in an unbiased setting. Your mom, his kid, your best friend... Those are all likely poor choices for a counselor. Instead, choose a pastor or licensed professional in your area that has no personal ties to either of you.

CHOOSING to FORGIVE can be challenging at first, but the more you do it the easier it will become.

Today, I challenge you to CHOOSE forgiveness. Choose forgiveness for yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.

NOTE: Forgiveness does NOT mean you have to stay or put yourself back into a harmful situation. Abuse is NEVER okay. If you are in an abusive relationship, I encourage you to reach out to someone and get help. YOU are worthy. YOU are valued. YOU are loved.